I've Had A Breakthrough

I am so blessed to be the daughter of The King of Kings and Lord of all Lords!

Yestrerday while consulting with my Nutritionist/Dietitian Sarah-Jane Bedwell, our session became guided toward the inner hunger and deeper issues that lie beneath the surfaces of eating/food disorders. I was asked some pretty straight forward yet simple questions to which my answers took me by surprise. Through tears I emptied my heart and as I did I began to feel better. After our session ended, I continued exploring it in my mind and in my heart through prayer with the Lord and suddenly I felt a breakthrough. It was as though a huge burden lifted off me and I could see, think, and feel clearly for the first time in my life where this issue is concerned. (Weight, food, eating, dieting, body image, relationships and all that entails)

I immediately called Jack and shared the news with him and I also told him just exactly where I am in our friendship/personal relationship. I thought he would bolt and run but he didn't. Instead he received it all with not only encouragement and support but where our relationship is concerned, he embraced rather than rejected. I was stunned. I knew he cares about me but I didn't really know for sure how much until that conversation. The most beautiful thing he said about my breakthrough was this; "Tina, don't do this for me; Don't do it for our relationship, don't do it for anybody or anything else; DO THIS FOR YOU!" I could have cried but I was too happy! Because you see that was a healing balm to a very old wound that another man man I loved many years ago caused. I was young and so was he and I am sure he never meant harm, but thought he could help me by saying, "Tina you know the only thing keeping us from getting married is your weight". I guess something in me rebelled and I didn't lose the weight. He took that to mean I didn't want to marry him and he ended our relationship and moved away. I have known all along that I was seriously injured by that rejection and abandonment. I gained so much more weight after he left. I built a huge protective fat pad for security! To insure safety for my heart! Seven years later Michael came along and I was so crazy about him because he saw all the good in me. God used him to reach me in a way no one else could. He helped save my life. I lost 335 lbs and I did it all for him. In the course of that I helped myself and a lot of other people, but now I realize that is why I gained some of the weight back and why I have had such a difficult time getting it back off. I needed to do this for me and to fulfill the purpose God has for my life! Period!

Since re-gaining 180 lbs. I have placed all the blame on the two car wrecks I suffered through. Sure the car accidents contributed to the bulk of the weight gain but in total truth I was already sliding backwards in my mind and choices and the scale was sliding higher by the month. Long after the car wreck injuries were for the most part healed and I was well able to get back on track, I constantly tried but always failed in each and every attempt. That's been driving me nuts!

After my Mom passed away things went from bad to worse in that dept. I should have made great progress because I wasn't stressing over her being ill, AND she was the snack food, carb queen, sweet-a-holic, Paula Deen Southern Home-style cook. And I lived at home so I always thought that was why I was having such trouble! One of the first things I removed from the kitchen after her death was the huge snack basket she kept in the corner. I through all the chips, cookies, chocolates, ice creams, snack cakes, and anything deemed unhealthy into the trash with every intention of getting rid of every obstacle in my way; put away every temptation. None of that worked. I have actually gained weight in these last two years, which seemed insane to me. All these years I thought she was contributing to my weight problems. It was quite a shock to realize she wasn't. Then what and who was I to blame? Hummm.... I finally admitted to myself and a few close friends/family that I knew it was me and I just seemed to be at a loss as to how to stop the self-abuse. Part of it too was the relationship with Michael ending after being engaged and one week away from the wedding. I was again devastated and thought for sure that it was because I still at my smallest weight and most fit body I have ever had, was not attractive to him. I thought it was me. I was heart-sick that I worked so hard for 4 years to become attractive and desirable to him and it didn't work. I now know it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my appearance. It just wasn't God's will. I am so glad we didn't marry because then I wouldn't have been available to Jack and our relationship means the world to me. I can't imagine living without loving him.

Anyway, all that I have written played such a part into where I am and what has been going on. Until yesterday I felt I was never going to be free but yet I had hope that somehow the Lord would help me again and surely He has. I can't explain it but it is as though I am a new woman on the inside.

I am positively finished with dieting and am just learning how to intuitively listen to my own body for hunger signals and eating foods that my body was created to need and not worrying about calories and fat grams and carbs. That creates obsession and I have obsessed about food, weight, dieting and body image for 40 years.

"Thank God I had a breakthrough and not a breakdown! I am so blessed! Thank you Lord for leading me to Sarah-Jane Bedwell and thank you for my family, friends, and Jack, the love of my life"!