2 Year Update

Saturday March 12th 2011

Where have I been and what have I been doing since I last posted, more than 2 years ago.

Well, for starters, I have been working through some of the toughest battles of my life and in the process uncovering my true heart and self and discovering who I was created to be.

In 1990 I discovered I was in bondage and living in my own personal Egypt. I began on June 18th on my journey out of that horrible place of imprisonment.... 4 years later I came out of Egypt but didn't realize that Egypt was still in me. I lost a ton of weight (335 lbs. without medical assistance and toned up all that loose skin without surgeries) and began living my dream to help others like me.....

I kept the weight off until 1998 when I had a series of events, including 2 car wrecks, that detoured me and in 2001 I found I was halfway back into Egypt. I had re-gained 180 lbs without going back to the old foods I had once been addicted to. I re-gained 60 lbs a year eating foods I had once used to help me lose those 335 lbs. I re-gained it on those good for me foods because I stopped listening to my body and began feeding my Hungry Heart again with healthy food. I was also not working out and when I ate it was too much.

You can gain weight eating too many grapes just like you can gain weight eating too many donuts. It doesn't matter the content or quality if you are feeding a Hungry Heart. If you are eating and your body is not hungry you can become overweight before you even realize it.

So, anyway, the past 2 years, I have been seeking to break-through the stand-still. I had stopped gaining weight, thank God, but I was not getting it off. I had to deal the Egypt in me and when I began doing that, the weight began slowly but steadily leaving again and since July 2010 I said good-bye to 40 lbs.

Now at 318 lbs. I am less than 2 dozen lbs away from the two-hundreds again and I haven't seen a 2 as the first number on the scale since 1999. 12 years ago. I am so ready and excited to see that. I want to see that by my birthday in June, if not sooner. I would really like to do that by May 11th. That will be my Momma's 4th year anniversary of her death. I hope she can see me and know that I am living up to my potential. She always believed in me and I want her to know that so many other people are going to be helped and lives are going to be changed and saved because of what I have gone through and become..... h

Since I last blogged, I lost a younger sister to obesity related illnesses. She was only 44. We are so devastated but not surprised. We knew she was heading in that direction but we were so not ready for it this soon. Now she has been gone 14 months and we are still reeling from the shock.

As if that weren't enough, since then, my Dad reunited with his teenage sweetheart in May 2010 and they married in August. I felt that I was losing him too and the things it brought up in me were so not pretty. It was awful for a while even though outwardly we all tried to make the best of it and God knows I truly tried but I just couldn't accept all that was happening beyond my control. It was about the worst year of my life besides the year my Momma passed away.

The one bright spot in that year was the Lord brought my best guy friend into my life at the same time Momma left. Jack has been a constant source of friendship, love, support, and companionship. We are super close and I hope we always will be. Even though we have never been romantically involved, we have been as close as two people can be without romance. Probably if it was meant to be, it would have already happened by now. We sure have been together enough and we have been through enough together.... in sickness and in health, in times of need and in times of plenty, and we protect each other and show up for each other always! I don't think I could have made it through these last 4 years without him in my life.

2011 - WOW! What a year already. After a year of struggling, I finally realized in order for the Lord to get all of Egypt out of me, it would not be possible without my total surrender and acceptance.... SO - THAT is where I have been and what I have been doing the past 2 years.

SURRENDERING & ACCEPTING

Once I reached a place of acceptance and surrender, I noticed I took a GIANT LEAP toward FREEDOM, in the best and healthiest way possible. It was night and day difference. It seemed to happen so suddenly, when in reality it has been a process through the jourey toward my promised land. I have never felt better or more at peace with who I am than at this moment.

I now understand that in 1990 I started leaving Egypt. In 2010 Egypt started leaving me.

Now in 2011, not only am I out of Egypt; Egypt is out of me!

Now I am in the right position for the Lord to use me to help others, even though my body needs to catch up to the work the Lord has done on the inside. I would venture to say that in all reality, by the end of 2012 I will be physically where I know I can and should be in order to be as healthy and as fit as my body was built to be. That is the goal. With the Lord's help I will reach it.

I don't want to achieve my goal alone. I want others to join me and let me help them too. I want to celebrate with others as they set and reach their goals too....


So the following is the sincere prayer from my heart.

"Lord send them to me and I will help coach and mentor and cheer lead them to victory. Out of their own bondage into freedom....

I know what you did for me Lord, you can and want to do the same for others! Thank you Lord for this awesome proviledge and honor of helping those who you love so much you want them free and healthy and happy and living the life you have purposed and planned for them which I know is a life better than they can even dream or comprehend. Cause that is the good God that you are. Thank You Lord for your love and your grace and your mercy. We all need YOU to fill our Hungry Hearts with your love, acceptance, approval, and beauty beyond measure! No food can do that. No human being can do that. No thing in this world is capable of satisfying a Hungry Heart. You and only You Lord. Help me to be able to share with others who are where I was, and who are hurting like I was, and who are desperate for help like I was. Help me Jesus to be able to impart this wonderful message of hope and help to those who need it like I did.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that what you did for me you can do for anyone else who eill let you and who will believe.... Help me to help them.

In Jesus Name, AMEN.

FREEDOM IS WORTH DOING WHAT IS REQUIRED TO

BREAK OUT OF BONDAGE

I've Had A Breakthrough

I am so blessed to be the daughter of The King of Kings and Lord of all Lords!

Yestrerday while consulting with my Nutritionist/Dietitian Sarah-Jane Bedwell, our session became guided toward the inner hunger and deeper issues that lie beneath the surfaces of eating/food disorders. I was asked some pretty straight forward yet simple questions to which my answers took me by surprise. Through tears I emptied my heart and as I did I began to feel better. After our session ended, I continued exploring it in my mind and in my heart through prayer with the Lord and suddenly I felt a breakthrough. It was as though a huge burden lifted off me and I could see, think, and feel clearly for the first time in my life where this issue is concerned. (Weight, food, eating, dieting, body image, relationships and all that entails)

I immediately called Jack and shared the news with him and I also told him just exactly where I am in our friendship/personal relationship. I thought he would bolt and run but he didn't. Instead he received it all with not only encouragement and support but where our relationship is concerned, he embraced rather than rejected. I was stunned. I knew he cares about me but I didn't really know for sure how much until that conversation. The most beautiful thing he said about my breakthrough was this; "Tina, don't do this for me; Don't do it for our relationship, don't do it for anybody or anything else; DO THIS FOR YOU!" I could have cried but I was too happy! Because you see that was a healing balm to a very old wound that another man man I loved many years ago caused. I was young and so was he and I am sure he never meant harm, but thought he could help me by saying, "Tina you know the only thing keeping us from getting married is your weight". I guess something in me rebelled and I didn't lose the weight. He took that to mean I didn't want to marry him and he ended our relationship and moved away. I have known all along that I was seriously injured by that rejection and abandonment. I gained so much more weight after he left. I built a huge protective fat pad for security! To insure safety for my heart! Seven years later Michael came along and I was so crazy about him because he saw all the good in me. God used him to reach me in a way no one else could. He helped save my life. I lost 335 lbs and I did it all for him. In the course of that I helped myself and a lot of other people, but now I realize that is why I gained some of the weight back and why I have had such a difficult time getting it back off. I needed to do this for me and to fulfill the purpose God has for my life! Period!

Since re-gaining 180 lbs. I have placed all the blame on the two car wrecks I suffered through. Sure the car accidents contributed to the bulk of the weight gain but in total truth I was already sliding backwards in my mind and choices and the scale was sliding higher by the month. Long after the car wreck injuries were for the most part healed and I was well able to get back on track, I constantly tried but always failed in each and every attempt. That's been driving me nuts!

After my Mom passed away things went from bad to worse in that dept. I should have made great progress because I wasn't stressing over her being ill, AND she was the snack food, carb queen, sweet-a-holic, Paula Deen Southern Home-style cook. And I lived at home so I always thought that was why I was having such trouble! One of the first things I removed from the kitchen after her death was the huge snack basket she kept in the corner. I through all the chips, cookies, chocolates, ice creams, snack cakes, and anything deemed unhealthy into the trash with every intention of getting rid of every obstacle in my way; put away every temptation. None of that worked. I have actually gained weight in these last two years, which seemed insane to me. All these years I thought she was contributing to my weight problems. It was quite a shock to realize she wasn't. Then what and who was I to blame? Hummm.... I finally admitted to myself and a few close friends/family that I knew it was me and I just seemed to be at a loss as to how to stop the self-abuse. Part of it too was the relationship with Michael ending after being engaged and one week away from the wedding. I was again devastated and thought for sure that it was because I still at my smallest weight and most fit body I have ever had, was not attractive to him. I thought it was me. I was heart-sick that I worked so hard for 4 years to become attractive and desirable to him and it didn't work. I now know it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my appearance. It just wasn't God's will. I am so glad we didn't marry because then I wouldn't have been available to Jack and our relationship means the world to me. I can't imagine living without loving him.

Anyway, all that I have written played such a part into where I am and what has been going on. Until yesterday I felt I was never going to be free but yet I had hope that somehow the Lord would help me again and surely He has. I can't explain it but it is as though I am a new woman on the inside.

I am positively finished with dieting and am just learning how to intuitively listen to my own body for hunger signals and eating foods that my body was created to need and not worrying about calories and fat grams and carbs. That creates obsession and I have obsessed about food, weight, dieting and body image for 40 years.

"Thank God I had a breakthrough and not a breakdown! I am so blessed! Thank you Lord for leading me to Sarah-Jane Bedwell and thank you for my family, friends, and Jack, the love of my life"!

The Big Secret Is Out And That Monkey's Off My Back

For thirty (yes that's 30) years I have had a big secret. Only my closest family and friends have known it. I've been embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated because of it, but not anymore!

Although I have achieved and enjoyed several great successes in my life, I've done it all in spite of not finishing High School. I always worked very hard to more than compensate for that in order to succeed. However, last week I was given an ultimatum. Either get my diploma or lose the fabulous new job with a starting income of $60,000.00 a year, plus a brand new company car, full benefits (at only 22.00 a month for everything) 2 weeks paid vacation, and a very flexible schedule working from my own home, except when traveling.

Last Monday, the week of Thanksgiving, I received the devastating news from our Corporate offices in Chicago. They called to confirm that I made the right selection on my background check info that I had submitted. I chose "ATTENDED" rather that "COMPLETED" High School. I said "Yes, that is true. I only attended. I never graduated or received my GED". I was then told that I would have to stop working and they could not proceed with my employment. As you can imagine, I was devastated. I called and spoke with my RSO (Regional Supervisor of Operations) who assured me that he would do everything within his power to work around it. He fought hard for me and so did his boss who is located in Columbus, OH, but they both lost the battle. HOWEVER, the favor of God won out and the two of them decided on their own to work things around so other people could work my job for me until I get my diploma. They were hoping for 2 weeks for me to be able to get it accomplished.

We checked at Columbia State Community College to see what they could do to help me. At first there was no help available until January. However, AGAIN, the favor of God worked in my behalf and they called me back on Tuesday and asked me to come in the next day so they could assess me to see what all I needed to brush-up on BEFORE they could even register me for their program. Then, and only then, would I be able to take the final and official tests! All in all about a 2 month ordeal, AT LEAST, depending on how much I would need to learn! I was SO UPSET because there seemed to be NO WAY to get everything accomplished in the short window of time I had been given. 2 months versus 2 weeks! I would need a miracle to be able to keep my job. The best public job I had ever had.

So, I had a meltdown!

I was in tears and yelling and carrying on with God about it! Nobody else was at home with me and that's probably a good thing! I did go off on my sister, Janetta, when she called to talk with me about it. I'm not proud that I did that, but we have the kind of relationship where we make such allowances for each other. Still inexcusable, but she knew I needed to vent and we are each other's best sounding board most all the time! Within 5 minutes I had apologized and was over it, which is exactly how we handle blow-ups! So grown up, yes, I know!

Now the reason for my meltdown was because I had always believed I would need SO MUCH instruction, tutoring, studying, and learning in order to be able to pass the tests! I argued with EVERYBODY those two days who tried to tell me I was wrong about myself. I even questioned God and was so upset with even Him, at first, even though I knew that was just plain silly! (Why did you give me this great job if you knew I would lose it because of not having a stupid diploma) Oh it was SO not pretty! But that only lasted about 24 hours and for me that kind of pity party only happens about once in a decade! To be honest, I can't tell you the last time I ranted and raved like that! That is SO NOT ME! Ask anyone who knows me!

Thanks to my dear, sweet, and wise Daddy, my two wonderfully encouraging sisters and their hubbs, a couple of life-long friends, my precious soul mate Jack, and most of all, to our AWESOME and merciful savior, Jesus Christ, I made it through that horrible 2-day crisis! But NOT UNTIL like Jacob of old who wrestled with The Angel, I wrestled with the Lord. We went a few rounds in my Kitchen and I know I don't have to tell you who won! He finally got it through to my thick skull that the problem was A SPIRIT OF FEAR! I realized I had a fear of failure I needed to overcome! I had allowed the enemy to present me with a wrong opinion of myself. I bought into lies that enslaved me with a stinking and stupid monkey on my back.

How had THAT happened!

Flash back to 1968-1978. All through school I made terrible grades. I was never good at taking and passing tests. I hated every second of school. The only good memories I have of school involve music, choir, and my friend, Kim, who remains my best girlfriend, to this day! All through school I thought I just wasn't smart enough to get good grades. I didn't realize then that it was all because I wasn't able to focus, learn, and apply myself to my studies. You see, I was always the fattest kid in school. Plus, I was raised up in a very strict religious faith where girls were not allowed to wear anything but dresses or skirts and tops, so I had 2 strikes against me. I was the easiest target for bullies and we had plenty of them. From the first day of first grade I was tormented and it never let up until the day I quit school in 78. I realize now that it was no wonder I did so poorly. I spent all my time and energy just trying to survive emotionally. All through school I was so ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening so I just suffered in silence. Somehow, I managed to pass onto the next grade each year until 10th grade. When I failed that year I just quit and never looked back. As a result, I allowed an even worse negative opinion of myself to form, and I held that opinion, as wrong as it was, all these years until last Tuesday! So sad, yet so true!

I wonder how many people believe the enemy's lies!

I know I'm not alone in this!

After wrestling with the Lord and overcoming the battle in my mind, I resolved to trust the Lord! I realized that He had not brought me this far to let me down! If He opened the door for me to have this incredible new job then He would take care of the situation. I finally arrived at the decision that perhaps, if for no other reason, this job presented me with the urgency to do what I had been wanting and needing to do for 30 years. Get my diploma!

I was not about to lose that job without fighting with everything within me! So I left myself no choice but to go for it. NO MATTER WHAT! So with all that, imagine how I felt when I not only took but passed the pre-test with an overall average of 88. The director who reviewed my results said "Miss Tina, it is obvious and a shame that something went awfully awry in school because you definitely have it in you to succeed academically". Well, that was music to my ears! She showed me that I actually scored 100 22 times on that pre-test! I couldn't believe my eyes! It was a pretty difficult test, too! 12th grade college prep level. Seeing as how I never made it that far in school, and that it had been 30 years since I'd even cracked open a school book, I was ecstatic, to say the least! I didn't require tutoring, classes, or anything else. They believed I was ready for the Official Practice Test. But since it was the day before Thanksgiving I would have to wait until Monday.

Monday came and I was so excited to take and even more excited when I passed the OPT (so much harder than the pre-test) with two perfect scores out of five tests and very high scores in two others. Math was my weakest but I still passed it 20 points above the minimum. I did so well in fact that the facility paid more than half my testing fees for the Official Test. I took it yesterday (Wednesday Dec. 3rd 2008) and am anxiously awaiting the results which may take up to three weeks. I have absolutely no idea what my results will be. I just know that I did my very best. That test was much harder than I even imagined. I survived it all only because of loved ones prayers and putting ALL my trust in the Lord. I remained totally calm the entire day in spite of everything against me! Victorious? Yes! Still there's an even greater victory here!

I FINALLY WON THE WAR!

Jesus is the only one who really knows how I have struggled to make it through life with that heavy, stinking, and stupid monkey on my back! That monkey packed a ton of weight in an oversized backpack filled with a bunch of junk including a negative and wrong image of myself! Lies, lies, and more lies he loaded me down with to create in me that horrid spirit of fear! I shared some of this with Janetta as I was writing it and she reminded me that F.E.A.R. is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL! I've been burdened down with that load since I was 6 years old. That's 40 years! WOW! Something awesome just this second dawned on me as I typed that last line! I spent 40 years in bondage! That reminds me of the Children of Israel who spent 40 years in the wilderness. Wow! I never realized that, until just now!

For anyone reading this. Are you wandering around in your own type of wilderness? Do you have a stinking and stupid monkey on your back? Is your opinion of yourself negative in any area including physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, socially, or even academically? Are certain things in your past weighing you down? If so, it's time to rise up, go forth, and conquer! I did it and so can you! Oh YES YOU CAN. Especially if you are a believer! JESUS is your way out and up! All it takes is a tiny mustard seed sized faith and a determined and made up mind to trust in Him to receive your own deliverance!

I'M LIVING PROOF THAT GOD IS STILL DELIVERING HIS CHILDREN OUT OF BONDAGE!

Is God allowing you to be tested in some area of your life? If so then take this lesson from me. You too can take and pass the hard tests that come your way! They serve a greater purpose than you may understand at the moment of testing! It's so hard to trust, but trust you must! You too will love the final results when you pass the tests! The rewards are endless!

Since I left that campus yesterday I have more pep in my step, a brighter smile on my face, a greater level of confidence, and my Hungry Heart is a whole lot less hungry than ever before!

By the way, about that wrestling match God and I had in my kitchen and I finally resolved to trust Him......

THAT WAS THE VERY MOMENT I PASSED THE TEST!

A Hungry Hearts Appetite

It's difficult to stop feeding your stomach when your heart is hungry!

“Desires for other things”—there’s the enemy. And the only weapon that will triumph is a deeper hunger for God. The weakness of our hunger for God is not because he is unsavory, but because we keep ourselves stuffed with “other things.” Perhaps, then, the denial of our stomach’s appetite for food might express, or even increase, our soul’s appetite for God.

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.

The fight of faith is a fight to feast on all that God is for us in Christ.

What we hunger for most, we worship.

Our hearts are hungry for approval, acceptance, affirmation, fulfillment, satisfaction, self-worth, and purpose! We are wired with that Hungry Heart to be filled with it's creator, God, our heavenly Father! Sadly, the tendency is to fill it with "Other Things"!

Those "Other Things" tend to be "other People" and when "other people" don't meet those needs, (because NO ONE can meet the vacuum in our hearts that was designed by our loving God to be filled with and by HIM ALONE & to be used FOR HIM!) then it is a hungry heart that gravitates toward "Other Things" in an attempt to do what ultimately NO THING can do!

"Other Things" include ANYTHING we use to "ESCAPE" or to "Cope" including alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, entertainment, work, excessive sleep, recreation, & yes, food. Even "good things" such as exercise can create problems for a hungry heart! Essentially ANYTHING, or ANYONE we use, or run to, or turn to, first, rather than running to or turning to the Lord!

Food is the ultimate choice for many because, first of all, we all have to eat anyway! However, for some, food is only eaten when the stomach is hungry. And for those, they tend to stop eating even before they are full. They eat to feed a real stomach hunger and not to feed a hungry heart! For others, myself included, the relationship with food goes MUCH DEEPER than that! I have even heard some claim that certain foods are better than sex. Well, I'll refrain from giving my opinion on that, but what a comparison, huh! Certainly sheds light on the food/love/lust, emotional and physical relationship!

For many, food is the ultimate companion! Food is easily accessible! It is socially acceptable! It tastes good! It feels good! It's that instant gratification! Food is full of memories! Food doesn't reject you! Food is fun! Food is something good to look forward to! Food is comforting!

God created food for us. He created us to need food to survive, and for fellowship and pleasure! Food was designed to provide us with strength and nourishment; to help us grow in good health! In it's intended purposes food is good. However, even good things that God created can become bad for us when used for reasons other than it's intended purposes!

When I first became aware of all the above, (back in 1990) it was so enlightening. It was the ultimate lightbulb moment, for me. Up to that point, I never really thought that God cared one way or another about what I ate or didn't eat. I learned that God does in fact care about EVERYTHING that has to do with His creation! There isn't ANYTHING about us that escapes His notice! Remember, our body is the temple of The Holy Spirit! So, it stands to reason that He certainly does care about everything pertaining to the body He designed and created!

Even though I learned all the above, a decade and a half ago, I still need a good reminder of it every now and again! Recently, on a personal level, I found the need to remind myself that no one can have the place in my heart that belongs only to the Lord. Sometimes, it is so tempting and easy to allow people and things to occupy the throne of my heart! The end result in that is I am always left with an even hungrier heart than before!

Jesus is better than ANY love I have ever known or experienced. He is better than any food I have ever tasted! He is better than any friend I have ever had, or ever will have! So, on occasion, when the flesh gets in the way, I have to ask myself If the thought, feeling, emotion or whatever I might find myself negatively or overly fixed on, the pangs of a Hungry Heart? If so, I must go to the Lord with it immediately and get it worked out! Going to the kitchen, or a drive-thru, or a bakery.... is not the answer! LOVE IS!

We were wired to love and be loved!

That's what fills A Hungry Hearts Appetite!

Hungry Heart

Changing Ways = Changing Weighs

Monday morning Nov.10th I got weighed for the first time in months!

I was greatly relieved to have maintained my weight this year! Still it is NOT the weight I want to weigh! Since I am an old pro at this weighing game, I know first-hand that in order to

change what one weighs one must change one's ways

It's not just about diet! It's not just about exercise! It's not just about drinking more water,

or better quality foods & drinks in single serving size portions! Nor is it just about exercising at least 30 minutes 3-5 times weekly!

However

All the above definitely contributes to getting from where we are, to where we want to be!

Now, that being said

This week I decided I would begin attacking "those little foxes" I wrote about last week!

We all know Rome wasn't built in a day, so I knew I would have to baby step my way! So

I started with an inventory of my kitchen pantry

Since I already had a few cans of fruits in their own juices and others with Splenda, I admitted that it would be JUST as easy to open up a can or two of fruit and eat that for a snack instead of cheese and crackers or peanut butter and crackers or something sweet.

Next, I made a grocery list of all the healthier whole foods I would need to purchase

So off I went to Publix!

$200.00 and an hour later I had enough to cook, eat & snack for the week; and enough for 3.

I'm proud to say that has worked out well, except for 1 drive-thru meal.

Another way I changed that will change what I weigh is to eliminate my daily trip to Utopia (my favorite coffee shop in the world)

That alone has saved me $50.00 and literally THOUSANDS of calories in fat and carbs!

I will go there on occasion, because this is about REAL LIFE!

I don't want to go the rest of my life without a coffee and a homemade danish from Utopia in Spring Hill, TN. But I felt it best this week to abstain and get that habit out of my routine!

Other ways I changed this week:

Exchanged a few unhealthy foods for healthier

White breads for Flax & Fiber Bread (Delicious too)

Ground Beef for Ground Chicken Breast and Ground Turkey Breast (YUMMY)

Pork sausage for Turkey Sausage (Can't Tell the difference)

Eggs for Egg Beaters fried in Extra Virgin Olive Oil and a bit of Smart Balance butter

Fattening Sweets Exchanged for South Beach Cereal/Meal Replacement Bars

The week is almost over and I have not felt deprived at all.

BUT EVEN BETTER THAN THAT!

The ways I already changed have already changed me!

Ruby

Ruby is the new reality TV series on STYLE TV Network that is now my favorite show on TV. Ruby is a beautiful sweet southern 480 lb. single woman desperately wanting not to be fat and unhealthy. Aside from the lond red hair and the name she is the me I used to be! As scary as it is to think about; in some ways she is me, today!

Thank God I don't weigh 500 + lbs. today. Been there, done that, hated it! I was 28 and told by Doctors I wouldn't live to be 30 without a miracle. Today at 46 I am a walking, talking, breathing, grateful miracle! However, the picture in my profile is the me I worked 4 years to be! Sadly this photo is not me, today!

As I type this I am also watching the 1st episode of Ruby for the 2nd time tonight. Between viewings I checked out her website. It's astonishing how much she reminds me of me. In SO MANY ways! I am thanking God for this show because it is a vivid reminder that right back to where I was is where I have been headed lately. Not that I haven't been aware of it and trying to make the changes I know I need to make; Hence this blog and starting Hungry Hearts Weight Management Support Group classes in a couple of local area churches in January 09. However, I've been denying some of the facts and ignoring the handwriting on the wall.

The bible talks about the "little foxes that spoil the vine". How very true that is in every area of life! Finances, relationships, career, and health/fitness.

Here are my vine spoiling little foxes!

• Daily trip to my favorite coffee shop for a fattening sweet roll and large mocha.
• Adding cheese and ranch dressing to an otherwise healthy salad.
• Real butter on bread and eating more than 1 piece
• Mashed potatoes with REAL cream and butter and eating 2 servings
• Red Meat with Gravies or chicken and dumplings and eating 2 servings
• Not removing the skin off the fried chicken
• late night spoonful of peanut butter and glass of milk
• buying a 1 lb tub of chocolate chip cookie dough, 2 liter Pepsi and chips once weekly
• Friday night Pizza with fattening meats and cheeses
• drinking a gallon of sweet iced tea every 2 days
• sitting more than moving
• not drinking water
• not eating healthy veggies and fruits
• not eating often enough and getting too hungry and then overeating carb rich snacks
• filling my plate FULL rather than spacing foods out

Just looking at all I have just written makes me cringe!

How in this world did I allow THAT many "little foxes" in!

See, all the above are not all done at once or even in the course of one day but throughout each week. These add up and over time they not only keep me from reducing weight but they are enablers to gaining more weight and preventing me from getting healthy again! These are things I would NEVER have done back in my healthier, happier, Hungry Hearts days. These are things I MUST change in order to become healthier and happier in these new Hungry Hearts days I am embarking on!

It makes me sick and sad that I can't call up or email Ruby and say "Hey, I've been there and I lost more weight than you are trying to and I have kept it off for 15 years"! That's what I should have been able to do tonight!

However, I am not about to whine about the past as though it is a lost cause! I do still have a great success story in that I have managed in spite of every obstacle you can almost imagine; to keep off 150 of the 335 lbs lost. I'm proud and very thankful for that!

Plus, I actually do like myself A LOT MORE now than I did when I was at my smallest weight. Truly I do!

Now, if I can get the outer me to reflect the inner me then I will be the me I am meant to be!