The Big Secret Is Out And That Monkey's Off My Back

For thirty (yes that's 30) years I have had a big secret. Only my closest family and friends have known it. I've been embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated because of it, but not anymore!

Although I have achieved and enjoyed several great successes in my life, I've done it all in spite of not finishing High School. I always worked very hard to more than compensate for that in order to succeed. However, last week I was given an ultimatum. Either get my diploma or lose the fabulous new job with a starting income of $60,000.00 a year, plus a brand new company car, full benefits (at only 22.00 a month for everything) 2 weeks paid vacation, and a very flexible schedule working from my own home, except when traveling.

Last Monday, the week of Thanksgiving, I received the devastating news from our Corporate offices in Chicago. They called to confirm that I made the right selection on my background check info that I had submitted. I chose "ATTENDED" rather that "COMPLETED" High School. I said "Yes, that is true. I only attended. I never graduated or received my GED". I was then told that I would have to stop working and they could not proceed with my employment. As you can imagine, I was devastated. I called and spoke with my RSO (Regional Supervisor of Operations) who assured me that he would do everything within his power to work around it. He fought hard for me and so did his boss who is located in Columbus, OH, but they both lost the battle. HOWEVER, the favor of God won out and the two of them decided on their own to work things around so other people could work my job for me until I get my diploma. They were hoping for 2 weeks for me to be able to get it accomplished.

We checked at Columbia State Community College to see what they could do to help me. At first there was no help available until January. However, AGAIN, the favor of God worked in my behalf and they called me back on Tuesday and asked me to come in the next day so they could assess me to see what all I needed to brush-up on BEFORE they could even register me for their program. Then, and only then, would I be able to take the final and official tests! All in all about a 2 month ordeal, AT LEAST, depending on how much I would need to learn! I was SO UPSET because there seemed to be NO WAY to get everything accomplished in the short window of time I had been given. 2 months versus 2 weeks! I would need a miracle to be able to keep my job. The best public job I had ever had.

So, I had a meltdown!

I was in tears and yelling and carrying on with God about it! Nobody else was at home with me and that's probably a good thing! I did go off on my sister, Janetta, when she called to talk with me about it. I'm not proud that I did that, but we have the kind of relationship where we make such allowances for each other. Still inexcusable, but she knew I needed to vent and we are each other's best sounding board most all the time! Within 5 minutes I had apologized and was over it, which is exactly how we handle blow-ups! So grown up, yes, I know!

Now the reason for my meltdown was because I had always believed I would need SO MUCH instruction, tutoring, studying, and learning in order to be able to pass the tests! I argued with EVERYBODY those two days who tried to tell me I was wrong about myself. I even questioned God and was so upset with even Him, at first, even though I knew that was just plain silly! (Why did you give me this great job if you knew I would lose it because of not having a stupid diploma) Oh it was SO not pretty! But that only lasted about 24 hours and for me that kind of pity party only happens about once in a decade! To be honest, I can't tell you the last time I ranted and raved like that! That is SO NOT ME! Ask anyone who knows me!

Thanks to my dear, sweet, and wise Daddy, my two wonderfully encouraging sisters and their hubbs, a couple of life-long friends, my precious soul mate Jack, and most of all, to our AWESOME and merciful savior, Jesus Christ, I made it through that horrible 2-day crisis! But NOT UNTIL like Jacob of old who wrestled with The Angel, I wrestled with the Lord. We went a few rounds in my Kitchen and I know I don't have to tell you who won! He finally got it through to my thick skull that the problem was A SPIRIT OF FEAR! I realized I had a fear of failure I needed to overcome! I had allowed the enemy to present me with a wrong opinion of myself. I bought into lies that enslaved me with a stinking and stupid monkey on my back.

How had THAT happened!

Flash back to 1968-1978. All through school I made terrible grades. I was never good at taking and passing tests. I hated every second of school. The only good memories I have of school involve music, choir, and my friend, Kim, who remains my best girlfriend, to this day! All through school I thought I just wasn't smart enough to get good grades. I didn't realize then that it was all because I wasn't able to focus, learn, and apply myself to my studies. You see, I was always the fattest kid in school. Plus, I was raised up in a very strict religious faith where girls were not allowed to wear anything but dresses or skirts and tops, so I had 2 strikes against me. I was the easiest target for bullies and we had plenty of them. From the first day of first grade I was tormented and it never let up until the day I quit school in 78. I realize now that it was no wonder I did so poorly. I spent all my time and energy just trying to survive emotionally. All through school I was so ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening so I just suffered in silence. Somehow, I managed to pass onto the next grade each year until 10th grade. When I failed that year I just quit and never looked back. As a result, I allowed an even worse negative opinion of myself to form, and I held that opinion, as wrong as it was, all these years until last Tuesday! So sad, yet so true!

I wonder how many people believe the enemy's lies!

I know I'm not alone in this!

After wrestling with the Lord and overcoming the battle in my mind, I resolved to trust the Lord! I realized that He had not brought me this far to let me down! If He opened the door for me to have this incredible new job then He would take care of the situation. I finally arrived at the decision that perhaps, if for no other reason, this job presented me with the urgency to do what I had been wanting and needing to do for 30 years. Get my diploma!

I was not about to lose that job without fighting with everything within me! So I left myself no choice but to go for it. NO MATTER WHAT! So with all that, imagine how I felt when I not only took but passed the pre-test with an overall average of 88. The director who reviewed my results said "Miss Tina, it is obvious and a shame that something went awfully awry in school because you definitely have it in you to succeed academically". Well, that was music to my ears! She showed me that I actually scored 100 22 times on that pre-test! I couldn't believe my eyes! It was a pretty difficult test, too! 12th grade college prep level. Seeing as how I never made it that far in school, and that it had been 30 years since I'd even cracked open a school book, I was ecstatic, to say the least! I didn't require tutoring, classes, or anything else. They believed I was ready for the Official Practice Test. But since it was the day before Thanksgiving I would have to wait until Monday.

Monday came and I was so excited to take and even more excited when I passed the OPT (so much harder than the pre-test) with two perfect scores out of five tests and very high scores in two others. Math was my weakest but I still passed it 20 points above the minimum. I did so well in fact that the facility paid more than half my testing fees for the Official Test. I took it yesterday (Wednesday Dec. 3rd 2008) and am anxiously awaiting the results which may take up to three weeks. I have absolutely no idea what my results will be. I just know that I did my very best. That test was much harder than I even imagined. I survived it all only because of loved ones prayers and putting ALL my trust in the Lord. I remained totally calm the entire day in spite of everything against me! Victorious? Yes! Still there's an even greater victory here!

I FINALLY WON THE WAR!

Jesus is the only one who really knows how I have struggled to make it through life with that heavy, stinking, and stupid monkey on my back! That monkey packed a ton of weight in an oversized backpack filled with a bunch of junk including a negative and wrong image of myself! Lies, lies, and more lies he loaded me down with to create in me that horrid spirit of fear! I shared some of this with Janetta as I was writing it and she reminded me that F.E.A.R. is FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL! I've been burdened down with that load since I was 6 years old. That's 40 years! WOW! Something awesome just this second dawned on me as I typed that last line! I spent 40 years in bondage! That reminds me of the Children of Israel who spent 40 years in the wilderness. Wow! I never realized that, until just now!

For anyone reading this. Are you wandering around in your own type of wilderness? Do you have a stinking and stupid monkey on your back? Is your opinion of yourself negative in any area including physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, socially, or even academically? Are certain things in your past weighing you down? If so, it's time to rise up, go forth, and conquer! I did it and so can you! Oh YES YOU CAN. Especially if you are a believer! JESUS is your way out and up! All it takes is a tiny mustard seed sized faith and a determined and made up mind to trust in Him to receive your own deliverance!

I'M LIVING PROOF THAT GOD IS STILL DELIVERING HIS CHILDREN OUT OF BONDAGE!

Is God allowing you to be tested in some area of your life? If so then take this lesson from me. You too can take and pass the hard tests that come your way! They serve a greater purpose than you may understand at the moment of testing! It's so hard to trust, but trust you must! You too will love the final results when you pass the tests! The rewards are endless!

Since I left that campus yesterday I have more pep in my step, a brighter smile on my face, a greater level of confidence, and my Hungry Heart is a whole lot less hungry than ever before!

By the way, about that wrestling match God and I had in my kitchen and I finally resolved to trust Him......

THAT WAS THE VERY MOMENT I PASSED THE TEST!